Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
