Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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