ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
