I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
