I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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