I'm pants shitting drunk right now
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
