fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
