My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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