yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
