sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
