Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
