I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You smell like stripper and shame
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
