i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
