Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
