I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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