he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
