Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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