I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
