I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
