my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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