Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
