were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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