sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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