then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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