I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
