So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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