My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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