i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
