should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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