I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
