There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
