he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
