Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
