if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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