I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
