I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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