Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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