Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
