Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
