I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
