i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
