the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
