Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
did i just pee glitter
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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