I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
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so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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