Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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