I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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