i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
