i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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