I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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