we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
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Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
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He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?