she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
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Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
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An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.