Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever