His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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