He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
